That really happened...

Yup, that's me...fishing my iphone out of the toilet.

Rest in Peace, phone. You were a loyal and noble friend to me, and will be missed. 

What to do with your old pictures:

It's that time again! A few months back I posted this and this about my family's awkward photos. I've been digging through the box of pictures again and found these little beauties:

Russ was so shocked to have his picture taken as he came out of the bathroom that his hair immediately poofed into an afro.

Orange County, California's version of "The Shining"

"Come play with us Danny, forever and ever and ever....."

What are you guys talking about!? A speedo IS the only way to run a tri-atholon!

(editor's note: Dad is NOT wearing the speedo)

My mom is yelling: " Yay! I'm in a line, and my outfit is FABULOUS!!"

Being the youngest had it's advantages, a disadvantage? Your bed was a storage tub.

"No Jessica!! You cannot add "200 cases of beer to my shopping list AGAIN! 

....I was totally tricked last time!"

The wine was no match for Aunt Heather's 'magic hands of wonder'

The bright sun caused Grandma temporary blindness and instead of aiming and shooting the fake deer, she shot a bald eagle....

It's that time of year....*update*

Today I was telling Chris in my world the holidays don't start until AFTER Thanksgiving. Then I realized we were in the car driving to Wal-Mart to buy supplies for a Thanksgiving feast tomorrow, and that the holidays had officially commenced without my say-so! RUDE holidays...RUDE.

 I even broke out the 'ol Thanksgiving decorations complete with socks and a clothes hanger.....

 I came home, popped in the movie "Elf" starring Will Ferrel, and made spinach dip in a bread bowl and a pumpkin cheesecake with caramel sauce (question: Do you say CARA-mel or CAR-mel? I say CARmel. I also pronounce Crayola Crayon like cran so I could be wrong on the whole cara vs. car-mel debate).  I'm also making these Meatball Bubble Biscuits and White Chocolate Cherry Shortbread cookies.... I have some work to do.....AND we're going bowling tonight (c'mon 300!!).

I will take a lot of pictures of our feast tomorrow so you can see how it's done in good 'ol Missouri!!!

***udpdate***
 I forgot to mention that yesterday I asked Chris to be my sous chef by reading me the online recipe for the salted caramel cheesecake.  I really didn't need a sous chef, but I was bored and wanted someone to talk to while slaving away in the kitchen......NEVER AGAIN. 
 Here is the sad sad sad truth and fate of the delectable dessert:

Chris: "Ok next up.....add 3 tablespoons of salt."
Me: "Really? Gosh that seems like a lot.........Ok so 3 tablespoons of SALT."
Chris (confident): "Yes. 3 tablespoons."
Me: "3 tablespoons of SALT"
Chris (even more confident): "Yes."
Me: "3 TABLESPOONS"
Chris (confident and annoyed): "YES!"
Me (shakes head in bewilderment but trusting Chris and unknown recipe to know what they are talking about): "oooookay!" *dumps in 3 tablespoons of SALT*

2 hours later...... 

Me: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE MOST DISGUSTING CHEESECAKE I'VE EVER TASTED IN MY LIFE! I FEEL LIKE I'M EATING THE OCEAN IT IS SO SALTY..... *THUMP* (that was the sound of the precious cheesecake hitting the trash can while trying not to puke).


My moral of the story: If you want someone to be your sous chef, don't have them read the recipe to you out loud they might mistake TABLESPOON for TEASPOON...........that and everybody Wang Chung tonight. Oh and if you think 3 tablespoons of salt is a little suspicious and is too much for a sweet dessert...you're probably right and you should go with your gut instinct to double-triple check that fact.

Bowling extraordinaire

A few days ago, I wrote the masterpiece called: "The bucket list! The bucket list!" As usual, I thought of 60 more things I would like to add to my bucket list like: create a new recipe and hit a home run (this does NOT have to be achieved during an actual game or on an actual field).

If you remember, one of my bucket list items was to bowl a 300. Well I went bowling with Chris and my parents last night, can you guess what happened?? C'mon, GUESS! If you guessed that I bowled a perfect game.... 13 strikes in a row.... a score of 300....then you guessed...

WRONG! Yay for you! 

This picture is from last year when we were in a bowling league, but you could pretty much substitute it for any other time...except I have blonde hair now and different glasses because I lost the ones in this picture AND I hate Miller Lite.....I'm only drinking it because it was free and free beer is always good beer.

It's ok I didn't bowl a perfect game, I'll get another chance soon because we bowl a lot. A lot a lot. We even have a locker to keep our shoes and bowling balls in:

Chris is holding my shoes and trying to get my ball (oh yeah--totally have my own ball) out of our bowling alley locker....shortly after this picture I realized I should have asked him if he needed help, but ....I didn't. 

It is vitally important to have the right equipment when bowling. You can opt to use the bowling shoes at the bowling alley that THOUSANDS of people have worn before you: 

 Note the many pairs of shoes on the shelves and any other possible bowling accessory you made need is readily available.

 Or just get a pair of your own! 

These little babies have seen better days. 

I got them as a  Christmas present from my parents two years ago.

After my mom saw what a blast bowling was she decided to get in on the action. Not wanting to wear the musty shoes provided by the bowling alley she decided to express herself with a pair of bowling shoes that showed her personality:

SHA-ZAM! Tie-dye bowling shoes? Yes, please!

When bowling, you must put your name into the mini-computer to track your progress. I find putting in funny or book characters as names makes us all bowl much better:

In the 1 position you have D for 'Dragon' (dad). R for 'Rocksteady' (me). Number 3 DQ is 'Dancing Queen' for mom and NH is 'Night Hawk' for Chris. As you can see Night Hawk had a heck of game, rocksteady not so much.....

Look at that form! Go mom go! Let's just all assume that this turned out to be a STRIKE!

Night Hawk is obviously AWESOME at bowling....and life.

So if you're ever in Missouri, be sure to look me up.

I'll definitely take you bowling. It doesn't matter if it's tomorrow or ten years from now. Why not? Because like the sign says when you walk out of our bowling alley: 

Oh hell.

(Obviously the sign is to big for my camera....)

 Take 2: 

*sigh* since this is clearly not working.....

..... I've recreated the sign for you and added a just little bit more pizazz....

Way back when 2

I think anytime someone is in a relationship at the ages of 18-19 there is bound to be some drama. On top hormones, stress of school and family obligations you're cruising through waters of uncharted territory where the deep sea creatures 'Jealousy' and 'Insecurity' threaten to overtake you at every turn.

MOTHER OF GOD. WHAT IS THAT?!

LOOK OUT! Jealousy is about to make you do something WAY stupid!

 Remember, dear reader,  the first two years of mine and Chris' relationship were 'long distance.' We went to separate colleges, and saw each other only on the weekends. This was the time of no facebook, blogger, or even myspace. We only communicated via phone and email (*gasp* Oh the horror! The inhumanity of it all!). Actually this is a good thing because, let's face it, if Chris had a facebook page I totally would have stalked him constantly, and questioned his every 'friend acceptance.'

 Chris and I were not immune to petty arguments early in our relationship. I recall, all too well, storming out of a party and sitting across the street at the post office waiting for a ride, all the while being a huge baby and refusing to go back into the party--I think I even folded my arms across my chest and huffed a "NO!" (I made that sentence mauve to represent my embarrassment and shame at my extreme dramatics). 

Either I was too flirty with someone else, or he wasn't paying me enough attention.The problem was (and is) we're both extremely passionate people, sprinkle in some stubbornness and add a dash of audacity and you've got a lethal combination.....All we knew was we had something special and neither of us was going anywhere anytime soon.

I mean, really, look at the guy: would you?!

That Elvis lip KILLS me!   I should add that his sweet hair-doo is achieved through tubing all day at the lake. YOU might be able to achieve it if you stick your wet head out the car window while driving at high speeds.... Although, I don't really recommend it.

Since I got to make Chris look goofy last Monday with his odd love proclamation, I now hold the mirror up to myself......

At a party, freshman year of college. I sneakily looked through Chris' phone contacts and found the name: "Anna." I'm sure you can imagine my extreme panic and anger at the sight of this foreign name in his phone (The guy just told me he "loved me....maybe" about 2 months before).  
 Who was this floozy Anna? What sleazy bar did they meet at? What kind of nefarious activities were they taking part in? How long was this going on? WHAT A JERK!


So I did what any smart, capable, clever, mature 18 year old woman would do: I refused to talk to him with no explanation as to my sudden mood change.

I decided I needed to get out of there and walk to a friends house down the road with another gal pal when Chris yelled at me walking down the street:

 "JESSICA! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!"
"WHAT?!"
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! GO CALL ANNA!"
"WHO?"

"ANNA! GO CALL ANNA!"

"AMANDA?! MY SISTER?!"
at this point I turned around and keep walking, while mumbling: "Yeah go call your sister, ya big idiot."
and I hear him get asked: "what is she doing?" to which Chris responds: "I don't know. She's lost her damn mind."

Finally, an hour or so later, I cool off, my hormones subside and my brain finally turns on and I say to Chris:
"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course, baby"

"Whose Anna?"
"Anna? You mean my Aunt Anna  from Kansas City?"
"uhhhh......" 

At that point the only thing that could sum up my extreme embarrassment and shame is this pup: 

I'm Sowee!!

 That day I learned my lesson: If you ever go through your boyfriend's phone (or email, or facebook) and see an unfamiliar name, don't panic yet.....

The fabulous Anna with my equally fabulous sister-in-law, Amanda.

.... and do a bit more detective work before you freakout- after all it's probably just "Aunt Anna" :

The Bucket List! The Bucket List!

A few days ago while perusing the interwebs I stumbled across someone's "Bucket List," aside from a mediocre movie I think a bucket list is a swell idea, even Ellen DeGeneres has one. You write down all the things you want to do or accomplish before you "kick the bucket." Little did I realize I write bucket lists all the time. They look like this:

Yes, I need to bucket list a shower. Don't judge me, I'm conserving water.

The amount of stars next to an item represent it's level of importance. As you can see I put a half star next to 'Make bed' and ZERO stars next to sorting laundry. I know what you're thinking: "Man this girl really has her priorities in the right order!" Thank you. Thank you. Usually when writing a daily bucket list I get distracted and start doodling. The only colors I had this day were orange and silver.
 
I really do keep a mental life bucket list and add/subtract from it all the time. I figured if I wrote it down for you maybe you could help me complete my life bucket list, join in with me or steal mine for your own. Some of these are completed and some are from my list a couple years ago entitled: "25 things to do before I'm 25."

LIFE BUCKET LIST

1. White Water Rafting----check.

 My face says: I'm awesome at this. Yes,  I'm the one about to fall out of the raft....

2. Skydiving--- check.

This isn't me, but pretend it is because I dodn't want to dig for the pictures.

3. Get pilot's license.

4. Run in a 5K---Too easy, although I wouldn't count what I did as running and we did drink mimosas afterwards....

5. Own a Bed and Breakfast with a breakfast/lunch restaurant in it called: "Sunny Side Up."

6. Meet J.K. Rowling, author of the "Harry Potter" series.

7. Profess my love to J.K. Rowling in person. 

8. Beg J.K. Rowling to let me be her roommate. 

9. Cry and apologize to J.K. Rowling for going through her garbage cans when caught and have to return her dental floss to the garbage can. 

J.K.!! Over here! LOOK AT ME!! I LOOOVEEE YOUUUUUU!!!!

10. Be in a play....lead role. Duh. 

11. Be allowed to go behind the scenes and check out Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. This means actually TOUCHING the pirates and looking in the little houses, etc. ....c'mon Grandpa can't you make this happen!? 

12. Start a charity for under privileged kids that want to create art.

13. I USED to say be on the "Real World" before it was so skanky and I was too old, but I DID get to meet some people from the Real World so I count that as a win.

Cameron from "San Diego" I'm glad her mouth is just as huge as my own.

14. Learn to sew like a boss. 

15. Learn to garden like a boss. I have multiple books on sewing AND gardening and I have read said books numerous times but somehow that does not make me a master gardener/seamstress, what am I doing wrong!?

16. Write a book--I can say this has been in progress for quite some time. I have 3 different books written in my head. That counts right?!

17. Travel to Egypt so I can do this to the Sphinx: 

My friend, Erica.

18. Go to the Olympics. Back in good 'ol 2008 I was like: "Oh we should TOTALLY go to the 2012 Olympics in London! That would be so fun!"  I said this because back in 2008 I obviously thought I'd be a millionaire jet-setter by now.....nope.

19. Appreciate a rain forest in person before it gets ruined. 

20. Be a great foster parent. 

21. Time Travel--DONE. Read here to see of my time traveling adventure....it's pretty awesome!!

22.  Bowl a 300. My high score is a freakin' 197. 

Maybe the fact that I'm drinking Miller Lite has something to do with my lack of 300?? Nah....look at that form!

23. Attend a taping of America's Funniest Home Videos in person. I'm a little afraid to complete this one because a) I laugh very loudly b) if something tickles me I can't stop laughing and tears run down my face. They may ask me to leave.

These are a mere FEW of the items on my bucket list. If I never complete any of them that's ok because my life is complete. How you ask? Because I've been here: 

The WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER!

What do you think I should add to my bucket list? What is on yours?

Stylin' and profilin'

I don't know if you realize this but, I'm kind of awesome at fashion. No really! My style is impeccable! I never leave the house without make up (this is a lie.), I ALWAYS have my hair fixed perfectly (this is also a lie.), and I'm always dressed in accordance with the latest fashions (HUGE lie).....which is why my family concerns me a bit. They THINK they are in style but.....well let's just let the evidence speak for itself:

 Yup, I totally married this guy, beard and all.

The beard is quite the fashion statement. It says: I can chop down trees, fish, hunt, hit a baseball and kick your ass!

HEY YOU! LOOK OUT!

Or the Denim family will get you!!

The best part of this picture is NOT my dad's mullet, my vacant stare, or the denim we obviously got on discount, but my brother Christian's face. It says: "I'M THE MIDDLE CHILD AND I'M THE BEST!"

I needed to dig further back in my files and then I found this little gem:

 Since this picture of my grandparents is from the late 80's, I'm not sure if I should guffaw at grandma's outrageous polka dot yellow outfit (with huge earrings for an accessory), or applaud her.

However, I'm definitely applauding grandpa's mustache!!

 This is my mom and me.....

That is the face of a baby impressed by blue tiger socks, hell I'm still impressed!

You now know why there is a hole in the ozone layer, two words: Aquanet hairspray.

The best part of this picture? My uncle put on his leisure suit, side combed his Hulk Hogan looking hair, trimmed his side burns and mustache then backed away from the mirror and sincerely proclaimed, : "I'm lookin' gooood. I look so good,  I'm gonna kick this family picture's sorry behind all the way into 1978!"

What in the what?!

The middle child is clearly channeling the rapper, eminem. To be fair, Christian probably has the most style out of all of us..........

 

See what I mean?

In reality, he does come by it honestly. It's so obvious that the very best dressed.....

ALWAYS STYLIN'......

...... AND PROFILIN' AND TOTAL FASHION GANGSTA'

.......IS WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT.......

Note the dirty jeans, half painted fingernails, greasy hair and outrageous lip color...

...... IS MOST DEFINITELY......

ME!!!

Oh wait, I take that back: 

Yes.

Don't worry, if you drive 2 hours one way everyday for four years to finish Chiropractic college with honors, then you can have a mullet/beard/Harry Potter glasses combination too!

If you're ever in Washington, D.C.

 The first time I ever went to Washington, D.C. was to with Chris for a quick weekend get-away. We had THE BEST time checking out monuments, the memorials, the capitol, museums and the the White house.

I made such a huge deal about how fascinating D.C. was and implored my dad take the family. Fortunately, dad heeded my persistent badgering and we were all booked (minus Christian who had to work) on a flight to D.C. for the Summer of 2010.

Chris and I in front of the White house on our first D.C. visit.

Since I felt like such a D.C. pro, I made sure the fam went to all the good spots. We hit up museums and places like the George (real typo and it stays) Jefferson memorial:

Yes I accidentally just typed "George" Jefferson instead of Thomas... OBVIOUSLY I need to go back.

We stood in "bread line" at the F.D.R. memorial ......

Andrew is trying to show some love to the bread line man.

We felt awe and deep respect at Arlington Cemetery: 

We even cooled our feet in the WWII memorial.....

....while still paying the utmost respects, of course.

Don't be jealous when you see this next picture:

Yes, that is Ryan Howard of the Phillies, and our good friend Ross Detwiler, of the Nationals.

Ross was kind enough to get us tickets and meet us in the "family area" after the game.

Right before this picture I said to 'ol Ryan: "Don't be frightened, I'm going to put my arm on you."

He just said: "Ok."

Even though it rained, we still enjoyed the Natural History Museum. After all, 

...we had protection. 

Regrettably, after I insisted we buy these, it almost immediately stopped raining. 

The very best thing, that I  DEMAND you do if you go to D.C. is the Segway tour. It was spur of the moment for us to go, and I'll NEVER forget my awesome experience.

 We were divided into groups of 7-8,  and given a 15 minute lesson on how to control these 'probably robots from the future' machines: 

My mom's face says: "Oh you've GOT to be kidding me. How did I get roped into this?!"

Dad's face says: I'm ready to Segway.....like a BOSS.

Before you get on a segway, they warn you about the "Segway dance."
 If you don't keep your balance centered you will end up rocking forwards/backwards/forwards/backwards/forwards until you calm the hell down and stand still. As it turns out, Segways are extremely touchy.

I'm smiling, but inside I'm TERRIFIED. I let that piece of hair hang in my face for an hour because I had a death-grip on the handles.

After our VERY SHORT tutorial, off we went to tour D.C.: 

First photo-op. It should be noted that Andrew Segways like he drives.....terribly.

Something happened that day that is still in the "McDaniel/Taylor Hall of Fame."

**I should say that I am terrible and can't help but laugh HYSTERICALLY when someone falls, trips, etc. My favorite show of all time is America's Funniest Home Videos. It's not that the person is getting hurt, but how they fell, triped, etc.**

It all started with a Hasidic Jewish man, who was part of another Segway tour.

I thought his faith wouldn't allow him to even ride Segways, then Chris reminded me that was the Amish.

Jacob (his real name) was on the corner on his segway, waiting for the rest of his group, when his buddy (who was on his cellphone and NOT paying attention) rolled on up and SMACKED into the curb. He then went FLYING into the air thus releasing his grip on his Segway which was also flying through the air. This moment is funny enough by itself, but poor Jacob was on the receiving end of the out of control Segway. 

His buddy kind of looked like this, but with more a freaked out face.

I saw the terror in Jacob's eyes as his friend's Segway collided with his own. He immediately tried to gain control. Bad move, Jacob; bad move.

Rather than hop off quickly and let the machine do it's thing, he stayed on; and did the best version of the "Segway Dance" I think anyone has every seen. My dad dubbed it the "Bucking Bronco." He literally looked like a cartoon. BACKWARDS/FORWARDS/BACKWARDS/FORWARDS/BACKWARDS/ FORWARDS, he almost touched the ground each time. After he regained control, the tour guides made sure everyone was ok. 

I, however, was not concerned with the well-being of anyone and immediately turned around to Chris and said: "OH GOD. OH GOD. OH GOD." and tried not to lose it right there in front of poor Jacob, who just suffered a traumatic experience. 

Finally my group crossed the street away from Jacob, and I was allowed to let the laughter (that was torturing me) out. I laughed so hard and so much the rest of the tour (no lie 30 more minutes with this cackling hyena), our guide said: "Did you stop at a comedy show I don't know about?" then at the end of the tour, he said: "Geez. I'll never forget that laugh!" (I told him it would haunt his dreams). Even while typing this I'm laughing hysterically......

Since you weren't there to enjoy poor Jacob's worst moment in his life with me, I leave you with this visual (please don't judge me):

So next time you're in D.C. go ahead, give the Segways a try! You never know what calamities you might witness (or cause). Also, please film it if someone you know falls- I promise I won't laugh.....