You can tell it's Christmas time......

The roads are absolutely crazy. I've seen just about everyone I know at the PACKED mall. I hear the Salvation Army bell ringing in my sleep. Christmas carols have been on repeat in my car. I've eaten a MILLION different types of fudge, cookies, chocolate covered everything. and drank puh-lenty of eggnog. I've watched every Christmas movie ever made, twice. Attended Christmas parties. Wrapped everyone's present and  even made and delivered my annual Holiday Chex Mix gift to all my neighbors complete with ribbon, homemade card, jingle bell, and ornament:

Don't you wish you were neighbor so you could receive this deliciousness on your doorstep?!

I'm about to head off to another Holiday/birthday party! I wanted to find a way to show you how I'm feeling. I couldn't find the perfect words, so I'm including this picture of this half-inflated once noble Santa to accurately describe what I feel like:

Or maybe he's just had too much eggnog...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

*Sigh.....

I'm so mad that my super awesome plan for you didn't work! Stupid technology! Take heart dear reader and have no fear! I have enlisted my dad (who is way more tech savvy than myself) for help....he said he would try his best.....which I said his 'best' better mean he would damn well figure it out (I really didn't say this....out loud anyways).

C'mon dad! Figure it out! You can do it!

 Chris and I had a MOST successful anniversary celebration. For our "first year being married anniversary" we did something totally cool...and slept in a tree house. Really it was just a house on stilts with heating/air, plumbing/fireplace and jacuzzi. It even had a t.v. with cable and 3 VHS films (yes, you read that right). I just asked Chris if he remembers which VHS movies were there, they are as follows: Sleepless in Seattle, Mystic Pizza and a Fish Called Wanda. CLEARLY, someone has flawless taste in cinema. Here is a picture of our very own treehouse love shack (or one very similar):

It was pretty darn cool but I must admit it was a little creepy being in the woods, surrounded by various woodland creatures who could possibly scratch on our door or window at any second looking for food.....or my body parts to munch on.

You probably don't know this, but I have a SERIOUS fear ....FEAR.....FEAR of squirrels. Isn't that so stupid? My phobia was at it's peak while I was in College and had to walk through my squirrel-laden campus. I SWEAR those squirrels could smell my fear and would stalk me, chattering to each other "There she is!" "Run by her to hear that funny shriek sound!" "No! No! No! Run by her so she'll drop her sandwhich." Jerk squirrels! I hate you!

No exaggeration.....some of them looked like this menacing creature.

I wasn't really willing to risk life and limb in a treehouse again, and was more than happy to be taken to a most DELICIOUS greek restaurant and chill at home with some supplies (aka booze) and "The Adjustment Bureau" with Matt Damon (totally recommend....way better than "Mystic Pizza"). It's ok that we had a low key anniversary celebration because I still have the great, wonderful, life-changing, fantastic memory of going to this place for our 2 year anniversary:

THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER!!

No big deal....

Nooooo!!!

I'm having EXTREME technical difficulties! Stay with me people! I swear I've got something that will knock your socks off and I'm not a liar! Stand-by!

Way back when preview....

Ok I know I promised you a spectacular "Way Back When" surprise to help celebrate mine and Chris' anniversary tomorrow, and it's still happening; but since you have been good, and have had to fight Christmas crowds I'm giving you a little preview.

I had a definite vision of what I wanted during the planning phase. The hard part is translating that vision to an actual wedding. I knew I wanted romantic and dream-like. I drew a lot of inspiration from what I envisioned the parties in "The Great Gatsby" would be like - beautiful, imaginative, unexpected, unforgettable, vivacious and a rip-roaring good time.

Fortunately, I had my mom to help me figure all this out and she wisely insisted I narrow the vision down to beautiful, imaginative, and a rip-roaring good time. On top of working with artists to create amazing center pieces, a cool cake tables and chic lounge areas, we had the best food (pizza, wings, stuffed mushrooms, etc.) in town. If you were there, you know the awesomeness I'm talking about. If you weren't, here are some pictures.......

THE LOVE BIRDS

THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS IN OUR WEDDING.

THE FAVORITE PICTURE

THE MAN WAITING FOR ME.

THE MAN WHO WALKED ME DOWN THE AISLE, AND WHOSE HARD WORK MADE THIS DREAM WEDDING POSSIBLE....THANKS DAD!

THE "I DO" AND THE KISS

THE: WE DID IT! DANCE

THE COLORS.

THE SWEETS.

THE PARTY.

THE MOTHER-SON DANCING.

THE FRIENDS.

THE LOVE.

Be sure to stop by tomorrow on our anniversary so you can see something TOTALLY worth seeing!

My week in pictures

In order to spare you from getting that annoying song:

"It's Friday, Friday. Gotta get down on Friday. Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend. Friday, Friday getting down on Friday. Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend getting in your head, I won't post the video of it... Oh it's NOW in your head? Mwuahahahaha! *cough* I mean....sorry.

Who told her she was allowed to sing? I did NOT authorize that!

Here is my week in pictures:

For over 2 months I lamented to Chris that I could not find this necklace. Finally, he decided enough was enough and bought me a brand spankin' new necklace just like it, and I literally found it the next day. Isn't that how it always works?

I helped Andrew perfect his toga costume, and even made a Laurel Wreath for his majestic head.

Why is he wearing a toga in December? Because he and his friends dress up with a different theme every home basketball game. They are clever, really. Last year they all wore kilts for a "Braveheart" theme. However, after the mooning incident, they are no long allowed to have "Braveheart" night......

While on my parent's computer, I found this hilarious picture of Chris wearing one of my many Harry Potter shirts: 

 neither one of us remember this photo, but his power stance says he's ready to party!

I found this funny picture which makes me laugh...

Uh-oh Kitty! You got caught!

 I met my new nephew: 

 I decorated my new nephew's hospital nursery bed with St. Louis Cardinals decor while posing like 'Casey at the Bat'.....

Now THAT'S a home run!!

 I found this picture of my dad wearing an SO INCREDIBLE HOW COULD YOU THROW THAT AWAY IT'S MAGIC JOHNSON AND THE LAKERS shirt, while dancing with my mom,

...and because he likes multi-tasking: giving a peace sign.

 I found this picture of something that I feel really describes my life:

 Man you said it guy with the 80's hair and 'hip' outfit! You're totally awesome!

I discovered my crowd rage at a child's Christmas program; and when I wanted a picture of my niece's cute hair bow, I forced her to be still by holding her head awkwardly:

"Aunt Jess?? What are you doing?!"

I took a cool picture of a Missouri sunset...

As cool as this is, I find it rather sad because the trees are bare, and that means Summer really truly is officially without a shadow of a doubt over....

And finally, I came upon this creepy scene when I pulled up to return our movies to RedBox:

What tragedy struck here?! A naked little baby doll! How many more of you eerie things are lying around? Who left you there? Why are you naked?! Is this some kind of sinister message?! You know what? Chris can return the movies......

Programs, a baby and nose pickin' galore!

Remember in this post I told you about my sister-in-law going to give birth any day now? Remember that? Remember I even showed you how to host a totally incredible most amazing baby shower? Remember?! Well she did it. She went and had that baby boy, Jack, yesterday:

Hi baby Jack! That's a sweeeeeeet santa hat you're rockin'!

 I think Amanda is making a frown-ish face because Jack kept squeaking in possible discomfort (or cold) and wouldn't just open his mouth and tell us what he wanted....that or it could be that she just birthed a perfect human being perfectly and would like a nap and for me to stop taking a million pictures....mmmm....nah.

Since Amanda was a little busy with a new baby, SOMEONE needed to represent tonight at Alli's Christmas program. Enter: The Super bad-ass team of Uncle Chris, Aunt Jess and Nana! 

The view from my back porch tonight, told me it was going to be a BRILLIANT Christmas program.

Here's the thing: I'm a professional when it comes to these programs. Since kindergarten, I've had some school or extra-curricular activity that required showmanship and singing on my part:

and sometimes wrapping myself up as a present is necessary for the sake of the show....

Alli is just now getting into the time of Holiday programs in her academic career, and I'm just now getting to experience these programs as a spectator. Oh dear. 

Who knew it could bring out the worst in somebody......and by somebody I mean me.

You know how I suffer from the stupidity of other drivers, also known as 'Road Rage'? Evidently I suffer from 'crowd rage' as well:

Ok so it's crowded. That's fine. I can handle that. Right? RIGHT?! At least I have my own sea- Seriously 6'7 guy?! You have to sit RIGHT in front of ME?! Rude. 

Looking around, I realized something:

I hate all these people. 

Where is whistley when I need him!?

And then there was THIS lady: 

Ohhhh Grandma. You need to sit down RIGHT NOW. Quit standing up every 8 seconds to get a picture of your dumb grandchild. I'm sure Alli is way cuter anyways, and you're completely blocking her. Have you NEVER heard of 'crowd rage'!?

Fortunately, the cuteness of these darling little darlings singing their darling hearts out to darling songs AND waving like monkeys at their parents from the stage, melted my heart and distracted me from my Bruce Banner type anger.

What? You want to make a chocolate sundae for Santa? AND sing a song about hip-hop reindeer?! You're all just so cute! Look at you in your fancy santa hat picking your nose! What a doll!

Oh no. Are my eyes tricking me? What's that on the program? Could it be? A song written just for me? I think it might be....

IT IS! A SONG JUST FOR ME!

Seriously, this song describes my relationship with pizza with incredible accuracy.

Do you think it's available on iTunes??

The show was wonderful. Alli had her supreme team supporters to cheer her on, and she sang her little heart out like a boss. 

The only problem? The program ended, and everyone decided to leave at the same time: 

Welcome to my nightmare.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

You know you've got them.....

When I was first introduced to the awkward family photos website I was ecstatic to learn that other people make up captions for their family photos, and I wasn't the only weirdo in the world (Chris tells me this is still debatable).

  Every now and then I like to take stock of the pictures at my parent's house to see if any speak to me. You can read the time I documented this here. I recently dug out some old photos again, and found some real winners......



















Dad is saying: You know if you wear a white shirt tucked into SHORT shorts, and long white socks with white shoes....then your burgers will be grilled to PERFECTION!!

Poor Grandpa....

He thought the memo said: wear long black pants with black shoes, a striped apron and a chef's hat for 'grilled to perfection burgers'...he was wrong. So now he's in a chef's time-out. 

Hey guys:

Does this necklace make this outfit too outrageous?

This picture makes me think Christian and I are part of a kids hip-hop group:

Our song would be: "Get down with the granny rap...YO!"

Speaking of grandparents: 

You might think they are singing the traditional "Happy Birthday" song for Christian's birthday, but  Andrew's face is obviously amused by their harmonized rendition of "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-lot.

At first I thought this picture was of Andrew and his friend pretending to be hardcore gangstas, but the little boy's face in the backseat says: SAVE ME!! THEY ARE GOING TO RAP SOON! I think they should call their rap duo: Black Tie Affair

You may think the ball is traveling to the basket by mine and Christian's magic hands...but let's be honest here, it's totally dad's magic mustache.

This is the guy's first C.D. cover for their boy band....

but they had to split up...something dumb about the general public being afraid of men wielding machetes or something....the sombrero was a hit though.

And finally, my attempt at an awkward family photo years ago with Chris, Betty and Sam (Chris' boyhood dog):

Sam is saying: NO BETTY! Hold Still! If I have to be uncomfortable and shamed by wearing an elf ear stocking hat than so do you!
Yeah there's a pirate flag in the background- you're welcome.

Happy Holidays!

Way back when 4th edition....

Fun fact about me: I have had a million different jobs in my lifetime. No, seriously. I've been a waitress, a mad scientist, a speech therapist, a make-up artist, an office assistant, and a cell phone salesperson just to name a few.....this would get boring very quickly if I named them all.

  One of the easiest jobs I had was working at Build-a-Bear workshops. Other than occasionally having to stand in front of the store while singing really stupid songs to lure in customers and sticking a metal tube up a bear's butt to fill it with fluff, it was a pretty sweet gig.

This is not me, but this is basically what I looked like. Except I was thinking: "I'm so sorry if I'm traumatizing you in anyway, little girl!" 

One of the drawbacks of working this job was it's location: the mall. The only mall for 60 miles. You can imagine my delight when I realized I chose to begin this job at the PERFECT time....the Holidays. Not only did I get to deal with crabby crowds, rude co-workers, and upset "because this coupon that expired 10 days ago should still count" customers, I met my arch nemesis: the mall parking lot.

If you remember, my dear reader, I suffer from the frustration that comes with EVERYONE ELSE sucking at driving, some call it Road Rage. You can read how I combat this affliction here. Since I'm sure you've experienced Holiday parking lots yourself, you can understand my complete happiness when Chris started dropping me off and picking me up from work. 

Little did I know, one fateful night that Holiday season, Chris had a plan. He picked me up and drove me to his house for a "Christmas surprise"....he hopped out of the car told me to count to 60 then enter. I counted to 30 and walked in. I was surprised when it was NOT the world's biggest pizza awaiting me like I thought, but this: 

Well something like this. It was more of a blanket fort-maze. I crawled in and followed the path. I made it to Chris who was on his knees and beginning his 'will you marry me' speech. I opened another door and Betty was there with a ring on her collar. And just like "boom goes the dynamite", we were engaged. 

Oh I loved being engaged, let me tell you! Fighting with my mother, making decisions like roses or hydrangeas or cake vs. cupcakes and finding the exact hue of blue I had in my head (my mom and I swore we'd never say: "That color blue" ever again for our own sanity) was right up my alley.
HOWEVER, one of the best things of being engaged is the bridal shower. I showed you how to have an awesome baby shower, NOW let me show you how to have kick-ass bridal shower.

Remember how I really love cake and non-traditional parties? I definitely got both with a 50's cocktail dress party/shower: 

Me and my maids of honor rockin' our cocktail attire...

If my Aunt Deanna and cousin Rachelle, ask if they can throw you a wedding shower, say yes because it will RADIATE with awesomeness: 

Hello fabulous food table and hello fabulous ladies!

Me with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law looking very 50's cocktail hour-y: 

This was the "Chris and Jess" table with a bulletin board full of old/fun pictures. Your mission (should you choose to accept it) is to find the picture of Chris, as a little boy, showing his sa-weet belly.

Notice the doll house that says "Love Shack"? Yeah, that was my idea...I'm totally great at this.

Gentlemen: If you're significant other is having a bridal shower in her honor.....

.....do yourself a favor and surprise her with flowers. 

AND NOW....

 for the 'piece de resistance'.....

the culinary masterpiece to end all culinary masterpieces.........

the guest of honor.....

and my favorite part of ANY celebration: 

THE CAKE!

 Oh, you want a close up? No problem!

Just try not to drool on the screen.....

P.S. In exactly 8 days, we will celebrate 3 years of wedded bliss. I've got a pretty cool surprise planned for you so make sure you check back on the best day of the year: December 20th.